just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
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Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Lmao
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!