Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
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Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”
My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo