Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.

I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.

I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.

brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

Children really brighten up a home.

They never turn the lights off…

“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”

*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*

Me: Street Fight

According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.

i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it

Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?

Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.

Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs

Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool

Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds

Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho

Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers

Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-

Scientist: They wore socks with sandals

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea

Magician: *waves hand* done

om: *holding cup* it didn’t work

*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*

Him:*middle finger*

Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED

I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits

Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset

If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.

The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.

“Can you put it all in an email?”

Translations:

1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…

I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.

I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.

16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.

it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel

officer: fair enough

Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.

[Interrogation room]

Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK

Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers

adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over

My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…