Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me

Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.

Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.

Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.

Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic

I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.

I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.

Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.

Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane

Me: I’m good

[ creating bats ]

god: well we already made birds

angel:

god:

angel: what if they were goth

god: omg what IF they were goth tho

Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*

Me: same

The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.

Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.

CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.

Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week

In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.

My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.

I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”

White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]

[Job interview]

-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?

Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.

Well this pretty much sums up 2020.

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.

Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.

if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.

I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.

[Next door dog barking]

Me: *inserts earpugs*

[Barking intensifies]

Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*

The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.

I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.

Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really