“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
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My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
The cashier just checked me out.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail