“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
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OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
3: I wuv you Mommy.
Me: I love you too!
3: Don’t talk to me.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
[30 seconds into a jazz song]
Omg, I think I really like jazz![30 seconds later]
Alright, enough of this
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
middle school in the ’90s
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”