“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
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Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar