Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
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Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.