@iGreenMonk

“Just be yourself” is great advice to maybe 12% of people.

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@DamienFahey

If Leonardo da Vinci posted the Mona Lisa on Instagram today, it would get 30 likes, tops.

@NYC_Blonde

If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.

@writeden

Why did Ozzy name his song “Crazy Train” when “Loco-motive” was right there

@RunOldMan

I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.

@Bizarro_Mark

5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!

@mommajessiec

Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.

[LATER]

Husband: Where’d my stick go?

@BlastZonePod

*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*

Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it

@BuiltToTopple

“Baby I was wrapping presents for a charity” is both the best and the very very very worst excuse for coming home late covered in glitter.

@SortaBad

Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink

@Holy_Mowgli

ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok