“Just be yourself” is great advice to maybe 12% of people.

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If Leonardo da Vinci posted the Mona Lisa on Instagram today, it would get 30 likes, tops.


If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.


Why did Ozzy name his song “Crazy Train” when “Loco-motive” was right there


I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.


5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!


Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.


Husband: Where’d my stick go?


*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*

Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it


“Baby I was wrapping presents for a charity” is both the best and the very very very worst excuse for coming home late covered in glitter.


Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink


ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok