Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
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Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
it be like that
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
craving $300 all of a sudden
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”