Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
You Might Also Like
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
the Monday after daylight savings
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.