Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
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if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
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DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
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I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex