[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Just because a guy wants to see you naked it doesn’t mean anything, I know a guy who drove 2 days to see a donkey show.
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My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Pretty sure the guy who named them “walkie talkies” got fired before he could name other military equipment.
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences