@FSUSteve

Just because a guy wants to see you naked it doesn’t mean anything, I know a guy who drove 2 days to see a donkey show.

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@brandynwiththey

My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.

@WilliamAder

Pretty sure the guy who named them “walkie talkies” got fired before he could name other military equipment.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[dog wedding]

[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]

[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]

[Bride throws bouquet again]

[Groom catches..

@Sanbel11

Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.

@SlothSlouch

They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon

@KentWGraham

Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.

@shutupmikeginn

My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.

@HenpeckedHal

Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences