My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
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ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Meat Cute