Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
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If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
