Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
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Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”
what it’s like dating me:
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them