Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”

-anyone on road trips with me

Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search

Dentist: please stop

Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…

Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!

I used the label maker

If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”

Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.

Love the Deepseek app, using it to organize all my finances and passwords. They make it so easy

MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?

ME: not if i want to live

My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”

If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”

Classic German Shepherd 😂

I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.

This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked

Me: i have one pretty serious symptom

WebMD: that you know of

I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked

butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?

I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc

Did a trash talking tree write this?

They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill

For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.

When you said “let’s circle back to that in the new year” and now it’s the new year.

Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.

2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.

When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.

*sips iced coffee*

man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately

*has another iced coffee*

I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night

*chugs redbull*

my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare

*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*

advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.

I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”