Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.

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Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.


If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.


Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”


“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”

…uhhhh, for driving in space?


Cop: Know how fast you were going?

Me: obviously, I have a speedometer

Cop: I know that

Me: then why did you ask?

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk


Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat


1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.


FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?

ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.


HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?

ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.

HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!