Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
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If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!