Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
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As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!