Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
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Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
I hope it’s French Onion!
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.
I hope google does well on my son’s test