Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist

me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there

A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.

I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me

The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have

I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”

M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon

Waiter:

H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.

The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport

The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.

*Followed*

Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.

You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice

“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”

so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:

Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun

You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.

I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.

Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies

7-year-old: *using her tablet*

Me: You’re not doing your homework.

7: How did you know?

Me: You haven’t complained all morning.

I am thick and tired. 🙄

My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.

I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.

I couldn’t live off of that celery.

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.

You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?

🤣🤣

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today

The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.

cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED

I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.

canadian assassins are called killergrams