Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol

PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do

Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.

They didn’t planet that way.

[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE

Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad

lol

So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation

Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”

I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station

The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”

BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple

“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…

I know that now.

Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy

HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.

*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”

Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.

Oh, you like Thanksgiving?

Name 3 pilgrims.

You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.

Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.

Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’

Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw

I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.

[friend’s house]

ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?

FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.

My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.

Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed

I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.

“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet

I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.

My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.

[Being chased by killer]

Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*

I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”