Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
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You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
still really wild that Starbucks built its brand on ~artisanal cozy vibes~ and now it feels like you’re in there to get a blood test