Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
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[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.