Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first mma fight]

me: Pikachu I choose you!

Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle

me: *throws rat taped to a taser*

My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.

I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.

~ Why I was kicked off the debate team

Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.

Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.

My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?

It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.

The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.

[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]

Android user: See?

Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.

My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.

Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.

WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again

ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?

That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.

I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.

My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂

I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.

New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.

“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.

[house hunting]

Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy

HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on

I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.

“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby

16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come

COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake

Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*

[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?

What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?

Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!

If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened

1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am

2: you died

[1999]

“y2k” making us anxious

[2019]

“k” making us anxious

“Would you rather be right or—“

YES

My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop

[DUI checkpoint]

Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger

Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff