Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
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Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.