Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

You Might Also Like


I swear it’s like nobody who says ‘bite me’ actually means it anymore.


Date: maybe go easy on the salt

*i stand up so i can see over my pile of salt*

Me: but what if there’s a slug in my stomach

Date: *trying* then you’d only need a little

Me: *motioning to the server to bring more salt* what if its a family of slugs


“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me


My hell is a giant Bath & Body Works store …where all the women answer yes/no questions with “stories”.


[1st date]

Her: So, were you born here?

Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.


Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.


If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own



-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.


“Count down to zero silently with your fingers and then do a fist pump.” – SWAT manual on breaking down doors