@mellimelle

Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

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@better_off_dad

I swear it’s like nobody who says ‘bite me’ actually means it anymore.

@captainkalvis

Date: maybe go easy on the salt

*i stand up so i can see over my pile of salt*

Me: but what if there’s a slug in my stomach

Date: *trying* then you’d only need a little

Me: *motioning to the server to bring more salt* what if its a family of slugs

@JohnLyonTweets

“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me

@rz0ndy

My hell is a giant Bath & Body Works store …where all the women answer yes/no questions with “stories”.

@HomeWithPeanut

[1st date]

Her: So, were you born here?

Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.

@dildointherough

Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.

@GloriaFallon123

If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own

@cuntyfruitbats

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-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

@kumailn

“Count down to zero silently with your fingers and then do a fist pump.” – SWAT manual on breaking down doors