Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”

After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”

X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.

Waitress: any questions about the menu?

Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?

[kidnapping]

BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.

ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]

BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.

ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.

Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?

WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim

WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job

ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?

My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.

You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.

I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…

I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.

Husband: So we’ve basically given up.

Me: On what?

H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.

Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat

Are kids ever okay at all?😂

when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)

Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!

*sniff* Don’t try to console me

Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.

I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.

Someone: how are you?

Me: thanks, you too.

30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus

Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work

On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings

From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.

genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now

CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.

Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.

If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.

The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping

*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion