Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
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[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?
I’m ready for Halloween this year
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …
Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Tremendous stuff
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh