just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
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I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
I’ll be mad as hell!
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.