Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.

People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.

Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit

When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like

We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.

Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car

Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand

Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.

Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval

*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake

The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.

It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale

Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe

Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it

the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off

I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.

[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]

[scientist decodes message in the signal]

“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”

I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.

I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.

AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.

Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.

(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.

Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now

Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!

Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*

My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call

Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them

Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.

Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’

Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’