Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
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Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
The internet is magic sometimes.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.