Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money

“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”

-Me, as a therapist

Me: I need to lose some weight.

Fries: Let’s do it together.

I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there

Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert

[Lois & Superman’s first date]

Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.

Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!

*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*

Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward

Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe

You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this

Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.

*points at houseplant*

no, YOU have a drinking problem!!

Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.

I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.

I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.

my friends: “im not a hater but-”

me: “dont worry i am”

Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

Added some new forms of payment to this store…

artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers

a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”

“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly

All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward

My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing

I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.

No one:

Me: Is my body still under warranty?

Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’

I grow mine one time and…

We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face

Pot warmers of the day.

I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.