Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
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“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
In Canada they just call them geese
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.