Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
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I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags
me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis
😏😏😏
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.