Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25

Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys

imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that

I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station

If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”

edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO

In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.

You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike

Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.

I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.

[tavern]

Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?

Me: I’m gonna need more options.

if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.

Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”

Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth

Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!

[Doctor’s office]

Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”

Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”

*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk

Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”

7yo: What are these?

Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.

7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time

[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it

Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”

Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.

Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?

Me: it’s my autobiography.

I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.

I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”

A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now

when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to

I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”

1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*

Me: Why is she so loud?

Wife: That’s how she talks.

Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.

[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE

“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”

– the original two-step verification