Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
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[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.
My appointment is for a colonoscopy.
*mops up wine with cat*
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Revenge served cold
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
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Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
it must be school picture day
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
