Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.

COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.

All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL

[himalayan monastery]

me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!

dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide

Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.

I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.

So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?

Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.

If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

me: is this vegan friendly?

waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend

All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.

[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us

Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?

Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out

When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace

how do i lose 30 pounds without cutting out baja blast, coffee creamer, and my ritual of eating 400 calories worth of candy at 11pm???

When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.

And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”

I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.

Why my coworker hates me:

He sends meeting invite for 2pm.

I propose new time of 2:03.

He revises, sends update.

I decline meeting.

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.

Covert ops