Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses

Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.

The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.

My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.

*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N

When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.

Me: You look amazing with glasses.

Her: OMG thanks

Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.

Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.

Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s

Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.

My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.

Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.

I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.

Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.

I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions

I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is

My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat

Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.

In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.

HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss

Me: “ok”

Interior design 👌

Podiatrists don’t use metric.

They only deal with feet.

What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.

I’m here all week😬

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.

I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.

These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.

as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations