Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
You Might Also Like
scares
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.