Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…

Her: “Move.”

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.

When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑

When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”

Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.

As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.

bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M

When news reporters do sports stories

I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.

‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.

this is the most humiliating day of my life

Me: I think my computer’s broken

Boss: just give it to the IT guy

Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck

A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.

If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.

My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.

Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did

Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*

Me: Sweetie, you need to share

Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35

I have nothing positive to report.

Except that roadside drug test.

My summer body has been pending for about ten years

The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.

I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse

Friend: just be yourself.

Me: Be myself? Be myself?!

Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice

I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it

movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else

The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.