Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
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I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?