Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
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How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
