Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
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I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Beware of the dog..
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point