Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!

Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.

Robin: I’m so excited!

*curtain opens*

Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…

Batman: You’re welcome.

ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…

“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”

TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld

Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.

An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”

*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops

me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.

executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?

The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less

[pulled over by cop]

COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?

MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]

Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.

Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.

There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.

cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED

Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.

ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors

Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.

Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.

Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.

sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance

Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.

I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN

I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.

Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!

*eats tiny amount of kale*

I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE

Barber: Do you want to see the back?

Me: Sure

*2 minutes later*

Barber: So, this is the staff room.

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.

The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.