Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at therapist]

I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible

Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?

HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?

Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺

[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”

[first day as a midwife]

ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!

NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.

Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.

Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?

Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?

Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…

Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:

22 month old son: When’s she going back?

Me: Back where?

Son: To her house at the hospital.

Me: She lives with us now.

Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.

[ My unaired House hunters episode ]

Realtor: So what’s your budget?

Me: My budget?

Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?

Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.

If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.

imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)

[Amphibian Playground]

BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds

TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!

TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*

Boss pissed me off at work today

Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early

Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.

Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?

Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.

HER: I just put the baby down for his nap

ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex

BABY:

My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.

I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.

I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…

Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet

Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense

How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer

You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong

‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.

Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.

never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome

All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream

Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.

I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.

My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.

If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul