Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
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New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.