“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
You Might Also Like
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering.
Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.
Me: How much funding do you need.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Not recommended for beginners.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.