“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
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Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Every work call, he judges.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?