Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.

My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar

‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.

If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.

I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?

If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?

Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?

Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?

Me: I don’t think so

Cop: *pulls out egg*

Me: what lol

Cop: *pulls out another egg*

Me: wait how are you doing that?

Cop: *pulls out third egg*

Me: ok mister

Cop: *pulls out egg carton*

Me: what a fun time we’re having

Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.

The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.

I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

Not today, today.
Not today.

I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?

well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that

I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”

Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.

ethics professor: ur failing my class

me: [slides over $20] how about now

gentlemen, hear me out

Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?

manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim

Wanna hear a construction joke?

I’m working on it.

honey, i think the milk’s gone bad

“i only bought it yesterday”

yeah well, look at this..

*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*

whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy

Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.

I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.

Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”