Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My diet starts in January

of 2027

[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.

I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.

Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.

I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.

It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go

thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie

Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.

My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.

[Watching the Food Network]

Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!

Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*

6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??

Me: copies of what?

6 year old: money

– kidsplaining counterfeiting

Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.

#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings

A groundhog taking the wheel

Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.

Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.

It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?

I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.

I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.

Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you

What is a picnic?

Correct!

Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others

The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work

The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.

Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.

After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.

Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”

me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?

In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.

Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.

We were frantic.

Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.

RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is