Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.

please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you

Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.

Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.

Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.

My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.

Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.

One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good

“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”

Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay

*goes to bed

Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?

Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.

Me: ‘Goodnight.’

Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’

Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.

I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.

I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?

Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?

yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level

Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense

6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?

Me: Because I’m a plumber

Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me

Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.

So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.

So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.

I like my coffee like I like my women.

Not banging my friends.

[first day as an ambulance driver]

ME: *crashes into a light pole*

PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet

Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness

Astronomer: Hello

I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.

[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*

I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.