“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
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Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?
It’s Journalism 101, people!
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*