Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
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Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
first responders? you mean reply guys?
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter