Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
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Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
This is my favorite one of these!
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared