Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
You Might Also Like
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules