Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
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[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Every woman I know is down catastrophic for the United Healthcare CEO assassin so if you’re a lonely, unstable, disaffected young man yearning for love and connection I can confidently tell you that there’s (1) thing you can do to get that special girl’s attention…
Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
japanese corn
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?