Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.

please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation

[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]

sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang

smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!

I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.

We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.

Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich

Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right

A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.

“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft

I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.

Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.

Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.

I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?

ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”

Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-

Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate

Daniel: sanding the deck was-

Miyagi: karate

Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-

Miyagi: anyway let’s move on

There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.

The photographer’s assistant

My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.

Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes

wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle

me: *putting down the ketchup* ok

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this

calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves

i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress

Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*

Pet hermit crab: no wait go back

Announcer: welcome to house hunters

🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶

Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor

*walks into Best Buy*

*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”

Social butterfly? Nah.

I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.

Horrifying if literal: armchairs

I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.