Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
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Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
I can’t stop laughing at this
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.