Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.

Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?

I can’t wait!

mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff

me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?

mom:

me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?

Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.

Murderer: What are you in for?

Her: Licking ice cream.

Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.

[1st Date]

him: oh do you have a twitter?

me: oh yeah, here you can look at it

him: *scrolls in silence*

him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out

Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.

I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.

But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.

Dress for the job you want to sleep at

you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.

You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.

Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.

Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.

some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows

My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?

popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things

Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey

I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.

Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?

WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.

ME: oh yeah? How much?

WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.

Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating

I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.

Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.

[INTERVENTION]

Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.

Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM

me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…

Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended

I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down

Here’s where I leave the earth for good.

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.