just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
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Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me