just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
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olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.