just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
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Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Lmao
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
TODAY
