Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go

Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.

Me: Okay. *starts running*

*halley’s comet goes by*

*trainer dies of old age*

*halley’s comet passes again*

*the sun dies*

*final episode of the simpsons airs*

Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!

How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.

9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.

My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.

“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want

I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea

Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.

Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion

Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.

[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”

On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.

Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

“And what did you bring home this week?”

– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school

Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.

Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.

If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.

Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.

Them: How corny are your jokes?

Me: Pretty corny

This could have been an email.

— me, while attending a wedding ceremony

Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management

😭😭

(on a first date) im a ketchup on eggs kinda girl

Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.

best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us

me: I can do it

best friend: thanks man!

[after the wedding]

best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time

me: actually it’s a recorder

I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.

Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”