Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”

I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.

Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.

Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.

Me: Okay. *starts running*

*halley’s comet goes by*

*trainer dies of old age*

*halley’s comet passes again*

*the sun dies*

*final episode of the simpsons airs*

Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!

Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”

Human: [doing homework]

Dog: why aren’t you eating that

I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.

The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok

I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!

I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.

I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.

“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”

*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!

*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes

2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.

2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.

Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake

I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy

The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out

Teach your children to beatbox

[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes

When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.

You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you

Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…

*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.

I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep

I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.

I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.

And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!

Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.