Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.

Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.

[My cooking show]

Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.

Kevin: *crying*

“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”

Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.

Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.

*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*

teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration

me: oh wow, alread-

teachers: your kid has to bring something in

me: oh ok, sure what shou-

teachers: 100 somethings

Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.

“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.

My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.

Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce

My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it

Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board

Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’

Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly

(at the pearly gates)

St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it

As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.

Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.

I turn off the light to sprinkle on hot sauce because I like surprises

met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No

Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly.  Should have taught them to do the same with people.

[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*

*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf

fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work

spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them

I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.

It be like that sometimes 😆

Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.