Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
You Might Also Like
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Bear knowledge
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Posting this on behalf of a friend
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Alexa, make me look good naked.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine