Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
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Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.