Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
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Why I divorced her.
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Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once