@jazmasta

Just been doing some DIY using my stepladder. Not my real ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

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@FeelingMervis

UGH. When I text girls that I have standards, I really need to stop abbreviating the word standards to STDs.

@ThisOneSayz

Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.

@tsm560

Me: I really don’t have any bad habits to speak of.

Her: So you have no bad habits?

Me: No, I have plenty! Just none I’d want to speak of.

@Parker_Simpson

I wonder if ppl who design new kinds of toilet paper ever think,”Why do we ever try? ppl are gonna shit all over this new design”

@TeachersHot

Sunday mornings are a great time for me to reflect on why I haven’t killed anyone yet

@abbycohenwl

[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!

@botandy

google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law

@ColoradoUgly

I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.

@Shen_the_Bird

her: [during roleplay] come get me

me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me

@causticbob

I took a girl back to my flat.

“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.

“What gave it away?”

“The scissors, mainly.”