WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
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co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Art by Pastelkatto