Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise

DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started

Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”

2021

Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.

Managers: wut?

Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”

Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.

I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.

living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it

The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.

Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.

Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.

Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know I can run 83 mph?

I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic

The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.

I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?

~ kid logic

10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades

Me: Cool

Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor

Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

*valentine’s night*

Me: I got you a new pair of shoes

Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!

Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you

(kids playing upstairs)

*loud crash*

Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*

Absolutely no one

Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….

“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts

HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”

going from an agency to a company that cares about you is crazy because my boss said “please don’t apologize for having spinal surgery” and i was like “are you sure”

Jesus loves you.

But only as a friend.

I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.

Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.

HIM: What?

ME: What?

Me: I would like this urn

Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?

Me: my wife

Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry

[later]

Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present

I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.