Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.

When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.

Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.

**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.

Him: wanna go to your favorite place?

Me: Poundtown?!

H: I was thinking Target but—

M: no, no, your instincts were correct

christening a ship with an overripe banana

curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.

I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.

My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

THERAPIST: What do u wish for?

WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together

ME: A penguin butler

For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.

A sick whale is called an unwhale

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from

I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys

Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good

In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her

Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.

therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now

me: ok rank us

Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.

my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.

Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack

I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..

That is the Aldi’s experience

Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.

I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

So can we start calling them Traylor now?

The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.

[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho

The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO

“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market