Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.
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Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.
For example:
– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM