Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.

First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.

I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.

Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?

Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.

So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.

Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,

nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh

My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister

Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it

My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv

Jungle book…she meant jungle book

Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits

Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.

Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?

Me: Define “someone”

Mom: You know, a boyfriend.

Me: Define “boyfriend”

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?

My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.

Her: Feed me!

Me: To what?

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: *takes deep breath*

Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.

Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.

“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”

4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?

Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.

4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.

PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?

ME: Crimes.

PB: Excuse me?

ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.

Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.

He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.

Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.

Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?

Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.

Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer

Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.

My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.

If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.

shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo

Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane